


Dearest, Angelica

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 05:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8001019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thoughts desperate for freedom in the form of spoken word suffocated him, but Alexander knew that if he said anything now it would lead to nothing but misery. He should've spoken years ago, now it was far too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dearest, Angelica

In a world filled with insecurities and uncertainities regarding his work and the future of this country, Alexander Hamilton found solace in his certainty concerning his love for his wife, his dear Eliza, his Betty. He met many women in his life, but none had a heart as pure and good like Elizabeth Hamilton did. Despite this tainted world filled with pain and injustice, her soul stays as if untouched, but not because she is naive, not at all. Eliza's goodness doesn't come out of innocence and ignorance concerning the state of this world, she saw this country enter a war after all. Then how can she stay so kind and uncorrupted? How can she still live her life constantly putting herself in jeopardy for the sake of others? Alexander never had the answer to any of these questions, but he didn't feel as if it was necessary for him to know. He married the best of women, knowing that and having her by his side was enough.

Or so it was, for a small amout of time.

Even if the feeling of satisfaction didn't last long, there was a time when Alexander truly felt like his love for his wife was enough, like it would always be. But that feeling had only been an illusion, ever so frail. Elizabeth may have been the purest heart to live with him on this world, may have been some reincarnation of Mary herself, but she could never bring him true satisfaction or peace of mind. In the nights and days they spent together, as enjoyable as they were, always felt as if they were lacking something vital to a truly happy married life. Despite of how terribly fond Alexander was of his wife, there was still a small void in his heart that she could never touch; a void that he had ignored his whole life for the sake of social ascension, success and knowledge, but that he hoped it would to go away once he was married. Even so, he tried to fool himself into thinking Elizabeth was enough, tried to maintain the illusion alive for as long as he could, but alas, it was broken before long. Alexander could never point exactly to the moment when he became sure that he did not love his wife as deeply as a husband should, but he could remember the friday afternoon when he started to think about the possibility.

It was a calm day, perfect for writing. He had asked Elizabeth not to bother him unless strictly necessary, but that didn't stop his slight annoyance at having his concentration broken by his wife calling his name from downstairs. Apparently, Angelica came for tea.

Angelica.

They hadn't seen each other in a while, he had been too busy with work and she was apparently busy looking for a husband. Still, she still appeared in his mind from time to time when he thought why she came so rarely to visit her sister. They were clearly very close to each other and honestly, Angelica wasn't a busy person. It was somewhat disconcerting that she didn't visit more frequently. He missed her, missed her pretty face and voice and the long conversations they shared with each other. As Alexander went to meet her downstairs he reminded himself to talk to her about it, to definitely convince her to come at least twice a week, but preferably seven times per week. It wasn't much to ask for, surely. Everything was more enjoyable with Angelica around.

When he arrived downstairs both sisters held hands and laughed quietly, but Eliza went into a laughing fit when her older sister whispered something in her ear. As Angelica looked fondly at her little sister Alexander thought that they looked more like young children than grown women, and there was something about their interaction at that moment that felt strangely captivating, a pure moment of happiness he had no interest in breaking, and so he stayed silent until both sisters realize the presence of a third person in the room. 

When Elizabeth turned her back on her sister to look at her husband Angelica's attention turned to Alexander as well. As their eyes met, despite the man's broad smile, Angelica's once cheerful expression quickly turned to one of melancholy. But it only lasted a second, as it was quickly concealed by a small smile. Alexander saw one of those quick expression shifts ever so rarely, but he knew that asking Angelica about them were useless, for she would deny they ever happened. He believed her the first time, but now he knew that she was simply very well-versed in concealing her emotions. It made him feel as if he never truly knew what was going on in her head and, worst of all, as if she didn't want him to know. It bothered him to no end.

"Angelica is getting married," said Elizabeth as she abruptly pulled her husband's arm towards her. Only when she said those words did Alexander's attention change from Angelica to his wife, and it showed in Eliza's face that he did not show the expected reaction.

He showed no happiness, only confusion. He furrowed his brow and opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it quickly and looked at Angelica again. There was only that small smile on her face. Both women seemed to be expecting an answer from him, but Alexander remained silent. After it became obvious that he had nothing to say did Angelica opened her mouth.

"I'm going to London soon."

Again, both sisters remained in silent waiting for any answer from Alexander, but again, he remained silent. His loud thoughts became strangely silent and he felt as if there was something stuck on his throat. It was a new sensation, as if he needed to vomit but was sure he wouldn't. Why? Because Angelica was getting married? He was sure she would sooner than later, Angelica was beautiful and intelligent and rich. Of course she would. But why so soon? Why the rush? Most importantly though, London. London was an ocean away.

As the silence hung heavy in the room Angelica's melancholy showed itself clearly in her face, and this time she seemed to make no effort to conceal it. In that moment Alexander wished deeply for Eliza to be in literally any other room in the house except this one. There were some things he needed to speak to Angelica about, there were some things he needed to say. He wasn't used to keeping his thoughts to himself, and as he looked at the way her fingers fidgeted he felt as if many thoughts he had been suppressing since he married Eliza fought to be free. However, none of those thoughts were appropriate things for a married man to say. 

Were those thoughts better forgotten in some dirty part of his mind? He wanted to get them out of his throat nevertheless. Before there was no need for him to, Angelica may not have been his wife but she was by his side still, she had no husband to call her own, no man to take her away. She wasn't Alexander's but it was fine, because she didn't belong to anyone else either. But once she was married in London she would be gone for good, destined to live away from her family, and to live without knowing the turmoil in his throat, or the void she filled a little with her wit and good humor.

"Alexander, are you well?" said Eliza as she put her hand on her husband's shoulder. Her face was full of worry caused by Alexander's strange silence. He put his own hand over hers and gave his wife a reassuring smile. Her touch was comforting.

"I'm fine love, just tired," he said as he removed Eliza's hand from his shoulder gently and walked closer to the other woman in the room "London, Angelica?"

"Yes. Ah, he is quite wealthy," though Angelica hid her sadness and discomfort like the best of actresses, a little of it still could be heard in her voice even when she started smiling again "I'll be in comfort."

Eliza quickly realised the strange atmosphere in the room and as an effort to disperse it she smiled broadly and questioned them both regarding tea. After making some comment about the whereabouts of the maid she went off into another room and left them both alone. Alexander became fidgety and averted his eye's from Angelica's, instead focusing his attention in a vase with withering flowers. Angelica stood silent as she watched him carefully, apparently considering saying something. At last, she did.

"He's not fun or even sligthly interesting. His looks are alright but he bores me to death."

Alexander's attention was quickly pulled back to Angelica, and once again that look of confusion took over his face. Why would she consider marrying a man that she has no interest on? Why ever go through with it? She's a Schuyler, Angelica Schuyler! Surely there's a fun and rich unmarried bastard out there that would love to marry her, why settle for whoever's her fiancé?

"Look for someone else then. You don't need to marry now. Take your time choosing your husband. Surely-!"

Angelica interrupted him with an exasperated sigh, and then a deep breath.

"Why would I look for someone else? He's rich so he's good enough. See, my duty's done!" The previously shown melancholy now had been replaced with annoyance and the sarcasm on her voice was as clear as day. Angelica pressed her fingers to her forehead, as if nursing a headache. As last she sighed again and then, "every man I meet I compare to you, and every man I meet pales in comparison to you. And now, I think that there's no man in this land that could be any match for you, Alexander. Eliza is lucky." 

Angelica laughed then, but not with the same cheeriness she did with Eliza earlier as they both held hands. It sounded untrue, as if its only purpose was to lighten the weight of her words. 

"John Church is good enough. I'll be satisfied with him."

As Eliza entered the room there was still something stuck in his throat making him more uncomfortable with every passing moment. Angelica felt distant, unreachable. It didn't matter what he said now, unreachable she would remain in spirit and soon, in flesh as well.

Months and months later on as he wrote to Angelica, Alexander found himself reminiscing. The ball happened in a winter night very similar to this one. The two sisters were very enchanting on that night, but whilst Eliza was only a pretty figure in the background, there was a fire in Angelica's eyes as she talked with the men around her that made Alexander interested in speaking to the woman. It soon became obvious that they fit so well together, and with only a few minutes he knew she would be a good woman to be married to. An intelligent woman who cut through the thoughts of those idiotic boys with ease, and who had beauty and money to boost. Alexander really thought that he had managed to catch Angelica's interest on that night, but still, she dismissed him so quickly, led him to Eliza so quickly.

But maybe if he had been more insistent in his flirtations, is he hadn't been so quick to make himself comfortable in Eliza's affections, then perhaps a different woman would be waiting him in bed tonight. And with those thoughts in mind, he wrote;

_Dearest, Angelica, I have been thinking about the night we met. Do you ever regret your actions on that night? And don't you think it's quite ridiculous that now the only way for me to say what I truly want to say is through carefully placed commas? I miss seeing your face, dearest. You must come back to your country soon._

Ultimately, he ripped that letter in half and threw it in the fire. Now, nothing that he said would change the fact that he was married to Eliza, and Angelica to John. It didn't matter if Angelica regretted giving him up so soon, it was done now, could never be changed. It didn't matter what he wrote or what he said, not this time. All it would do is hurt his marriage and hers.

Alexander gave up writing to Angelica that night, and instead went back to work.


End file.
